First of all, the type of arguing that I’m referring to here tends to only take place on rather large sites or lists where the users are unlikely to ever meet each other in real life. I’ve noticed that there exists a correlation between the level of anonymity enjoyed by users and the level of vile rancor the user will seek to inspire. I am, of course, talking about “trolling.”

Second of all, if you are going to argue on the Internet, you have to realize that the person you are arguing with is probably arguing because it’s fun and for no other reason. Some refer to it as “Lulz” – that is, being obnoxious in order to inspire anger and frustration from the reader. Doing something for the lulz is a form of Schadenfreude. People who are antagonizing you for the lulz are usually known as “trolls” and the act of seeking lulz is usually referred to as “trolling.” You have to realize this key point if you wish to “pwn” (metaphorically kick their ass) your the troll and thus win.

Here are some points to remember:

1. If you’re angry, upset or frustrated, you’ve lost because you forgot that the person you’re wanting to argue with is only seeking the entertainment of Schadenfreude.

2. The best way to win is to realize that Schadenfreude is the game the troll is playing and do not reply. “Don’t feed the trolls” is an idiom that’s common on the Internet.

3. If you really, really have to engage an internet troll, then do it for the lulz and for no other reason. In other words, reply because you want to troll the troll. You do this by:

• Being flippant: Whether the post is long or short, reply by posting, “tl;dr” – If the troll is inexperienced, they will have to waste their time looking up what tl;dr means and when they learn what it means, it is irksome. Tl;dr means, “too long; didn’t read.” Similarly, you can respond by replying simply, “fail” – which generally irks them into attacking you in a diatribe… at which point you respond again with, fail. One word, nothing else. The tl;dr and fail response says so much in so few letters. There’s practically no way to argue against it and will drive the troll to distraction.
• Poke them with a stick: If their syntax is particularly good, respond with: “Grammatical errors: 4.” When you do this to a troll with great grammar, they feel compelled to read and then reread their post over and over again searching for those errors. If you have a friend, they can join in by posting something like, “I think you missed one. I counted 5.”
• Be funny: If you made a post and someone corrects your spelling (usually the same person from the above point), accuse them of being a “Grammar Nazi” with a funny image:

• Be their shadow-self: This usually works on the obnoxiously religious. When they have condemned you to hell, respond by using a bible verse to condemn them as well… But do it in a way that is far more obnoxious than their condemnation. Use a lot of old tyme hellfire and brimstone speech. There are a lot of firebrand speeches online from around the turn of last century – use them After a while, the religious troll will run away because the type of Schadenfreude they are into requires that you argue for your soul while they condemn it from on high.

• Turn a troll into a ghost: This only works if you have a friends that will back you up. The objective is to relegate the troll to a 2-dimensional abstract-like ghost status. When the troll posts, pick apart their logic, syntax, diction, etc as if you were serious entomologist discussing an interesting bug that you are about to stick a pin into. Never acknowledge the troll directly. The object is to have a critical discussion about the troll, in the troll’s presence without ever acknowledging the troll.

If you have decided to engage the troll, never, ever engage them seriously. Always, always, always treat them like the jokes they are. In order for a troll to feed, they must inspire you to feel anger, frustration or contempt. If you engage the troll, do it because you want to make them dance like a monkey tethered to a hurdy-gurdy and never because you want them to take you seriously.